Sunt prinsa in teze...mai greu cu calculatorul. Dar totusi am timp sa mai citesc si pe alte bloguri si am ajuns dintr-unul in altul la o postare despre Paler. Cate cuvinte simple, puse impreuna, si cat impact. Toti ne dam filozofi...citim zeci de carti, vorbim in citate ale lui Paler, ale lui Socrate, ale lui Aristotel... suntem niste genii si inca nu ne-am dat seama. Nici macar jumatate nu inteleg ce vor acele vorbe sa spuna. Nu zic ca eu le-as intelege pe toate, si nici nu am pretentia de a o face. Cine a spus acele lucruri le-a trait, a suferit, a invatat din propriile greseli, a trait lucruri si a desprins concluzii din ele. Cine suntem noi sa traim viata lor? Nimeni. Putem doar sa le multumim pentru ele. Sa le citim la infinit, pana ne ies literele pe urechi, poate asa invatam si noi ceva in viata asta.

"La urma urmei, lumea e plină de rataţi. Câţi ar putea spune că şi-au văzut împlinite toate aşteptările? Poate, e chiar o lipsă de modestie să declari: sunt un ratat!ca sa devii "ratat" trebuie sa fi avut niste visuri inalte, niste ambitii mari."
Octavian Paler în Deşertul pentru totdeauna
Ganditi-va la asta... ganditi-va din nou. Ganditi-va... cu mintea, si cu sufletul.



*Nu vreau sa mai scriu in engleza. Nu ma reprezinta. Nu ma pot exprima exact cum trebuie. Citesc si realizez ca nu alea sunt vorbele mele.

It matters so much apologising even if it's not your blame. Saying "sorry" is the most important thing, more than saying "i love you". I am apologising always... cause always in a fight doesn't exist just one person who makes mistakes... everyone does. In a relation the blame is divided by two. This is why... even it's not your fault...you think is not, be YOU the one who's apologising, you won't lose anything... you will always win. I can be sure that always when you don't say "sorry", you wait for the otherone to say it... but think that the other is waiting your words too.
Cause it's all my fault, put the blame on me...

"You don't know what you have until you lose it."

I've lost so many things... and I won't lose you too. I won't do the same mistakes again. I won't lose you because I am way toooo emotional, because I care too much or because I cry too much. I won't lose you... not you. Because you can teach me how to be mature... you can teach me how to not care. But... I'm stupid... I'm stupid because I think everyone cares about me and about my feelings but it's not like this, everyone's selfish... I am too, but at least I don't punch my friends with a knife in the back.
One thing I've learned today... you don't know what you have until you lose it... and I know what I have, I have you... but still don't want to lose anything.
Even if my eyes see blur.

Imi amintesc fumul, injuraturile, dansul, transpiratia, muzica, rimul lumii, trupurile lor, luminile. Se miscau ca furnicile pe ritm de house. Si se miscau... si se miscau. Si nu ii simteam, nu ii vedeam, nu ii auzeam. Iti auzeam doar respiratia... zumzetul. Nu simteam fumul, ma invaluia parfumul tau. Te-am pierdut in agitatie, in fum, in injuraturi, in dans, in muzica, printre trupurile lor. Imi iau o tigare... te fumez. Ai gust de parfum. Ca parfumul amestecat cu vodka, care curge pe gat. Si ma arde.


Somn... si lacrimi.


Somn... iar. Vreau sa dorm, in parfumul tau.

Tomorrow is my freshman party... this will rock my shocks....I CAN'T WAIT<3.
Idk if I'm doing school tomorrow but still I'll go to see how's everyone and then i'll get my ass back home, sleep and then prepare for party.
I have a new haircut..my hair is like 15 cm shorter...I like it hehe..it was time :-p.

I would love to talk more about feelings, about the impact of the world on me..but everyone's so..but so...i don't know..so empty. Like no one's doing anything, no one's impressing me with anything. It's just me...and you. Or it's just me and I can't see the problems of the people around me. It sucks cause I feel like I live in a balloon... a weird one. Like..things can touch me but I can't feel them.. idk. I'm a weiiiirrdddoooo!!!

No History test today.
This week was...beautiful...
I'm flying... flying over the clouds. Everything is..beautiful.

I didn't have internet in the last days so I'll write tonight, when I'll be back from school. Important things: English test, Literature test....and that's all. And I think today an History test too...but we'll see.
Bye....school time now[8-|]

Oh mama...

I've been talking with Teo about the problem with telling the truth to our mothers. She's worried cause she wants to tell her mother she smokes but she's afraid of what she'll say. And I was like..ok so don't tell her..what's so hard saying a little lie? Now I get the point. The relation she has with her mother; for me is something sooo normal, something usual to lie my mother: about ciggs, drinking, boyfriends, school, marks...everything. Practically, al my life, I had a horrible relation with my mother, since I know myself I was afraid of telling her the truth, my ideas, my feelings, when I liked a boy. She'd never knew when I was in love, she never knew the relations I had with my friends. she never knew what's in my soul. And I am used to say that it's not 100% my fault, no. Maybe it's more her fault cause she'd never been interested of knowing about my life, never interested of what I want and how I feel. She never asked me if a boy is cute for me or something like that, and it's not cause I didn't tell her that things...I did.. I told her once that a boy likes me..and she was like "i don't know..." and since then..I don't care anymore about telling my mom the truth. I know... and yes I am abs sure of what I will write..I know better what she needs to know..and what she doesn't need to know.
I don't feel ok with doing this...I don't. It's an horrible feeling lying to your mother, the only person in the world you should put all your trust, and telling everything for her...it's really horrible..but that's life. Not everyone has the luck to have an open-mind mother, and understaning one...
I am not a liar, she's the one who doesn't know to understand me.
Or maybe I'm just a liar...

All I remember about today is "Every time you walk away or run away/You take a piece of me with you there♥"
You really have to listen to this songgg^_^

Lincoln Hawk - Everytime

FINALLY WEEKEND
last night after I posted, I've been reading the old old posts, from the beggining of my blog... I was just soooooooo stupid. I had an idiot mentality..but whatever..i don't feel like talking about this...i just wanted to remember to myself how stupid I was in the past.
Oh remember I got a 4 at Chemestry..well today it's a 5...at least I passed lol.
Have a nice weekend guys<3 xoxo

A pretty chill day at school. Nothing exciting or fabulous...just another Physics project with Gaby, Teo and Dani. For tomorrow..damn damn damn..History and Chemistry and some Literature too.
I'm reading again my fav poems book.
Can't wait for the weekend...Gaby's, Dani's and Vera's B'day<3333. Uhuuu. And my Freshmans ball on 17....gosh gosh I can't waaaaiiiitttttt for this any longer!!!

I would love to talk about how much my life changed in just a few months. I remember that when I've finished my 8th grade I was just so so so depressed because school was over and I was afraid of meeting new people, of trying something new. That's me..that's why I am afraid of braking up with a guy, because I am afraid of trying something new... I was disapointed because I didn't entered the highschool I wanted, and all my dreams were just impossible to reach. But now... I am sure and I know that a better option for me can't exist. God knows what's better for us..and he knows what was better for me too.
I remember how I was when I changed school, 4 years ago... in my 6th grade. Again... I was afraid of meeting new people but I was forced to do it. And again... I met the most amazing friends, the most beautiful and understaning second mother someone can have like formmaster. I am gratefull for the moments I spent there... happy and sad moments. Horrible and amazing. Cause every minute spent in that school helped me grow and know I really know how to act in different situations.
I am still at the beggining, and I am not ok with what I am right now. I know I can be better and I know I can do things wwaaaayyy much better but I am learning, step by step, and every little detail makes me better or worst from some points of view.
One thing I know for sure... that I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I did in the past. That would break my heart into pieces again, and not because I got hurt, but because I know that if I do the same mistakes over and over again I will never learn how things work in this world.

"YOU'RE WAY TOO SENSIBLE"
....
this fucks me like hell cause I know it's true. And it's not my fault... even if not anyone can understand this... I don't wanna feel like fucked up when someone's screaming at me and start crying in a moment. And not anyone can understand why am I like this... but I am indeed...too sensible; I can't deal with that... sorry.

I don't want to remember this day never ever in my entire day. I don't.

You know that feeling when you try to be better and to help someone..but that someone doesn't let you do anything because is headstrong [silly]. I hate this feeling..it makes me feel like I am the wrong one..and it's not like this..but I really wanna help and not because I wanna be annoying.... but because I care. Damn I really do.

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Uhhh..school. Today...TIC, English, Music, Math, Physics, HISTORY.
Remember I said I will have a Physics project with Teo, Dani and Gaby? Well we all got a 10 because we were the bestssssssssss!!! yup yup..the ones with the 10..the only ones!!!
For tomorrow I have lots to study at...French..[i hate it], Art...Latin.... Biology. Hmm..I have a Biology test tomorrow!!!
UGLY UGLY UGLY...tomorrow will be horrible..I just know it!


Huhu..hands up for the curled girl <333.